If someone ‘rejects’ us, we don't have to make it mean something about us. Often the worst part of ‘rejection’ is feeling like there is something inherently wrong with us if the other person didn't choose us for some reason. These thoughts are what fuel our hurt feelings when we think we've been rejected. You can borrow this line: I reject your rejection (of me)!

I hear so many people say, “I hate dating apps!” “Dating apps suck!” “All the men/women/people on dating apps suck!" I've mumbled the same thing to myself a few times over the years. Never in the history of ever has it been easier to connect with people who are looking for love (or sex, or love + sex). Dating apps are just one way to do that. Dating apps are NOT the problem. Your thinking about using them IS.

A big mistake people make in relationships: Expecting people to be different than they actually are. If you ever find yourself thinking, “They should just…” or “Why can't they just…” then that is a clue you might be thinking people should be different than they actually are. I find this applies not only to dating and partner relationships but also (especially) to long-term family and friend relationships.

Are you someone who gets very invested in or very attached to new people quickly? I think that is a big mistake. Good relationships take time and shared experience to develop. Don’t rush into finding your next partner or bestie.

If you are a woman who feels anxious in dating, it's no wonder. You have been socialized for twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years to believe that your purpose in life should be to find a man to pick you. And if a man doesn't pick you, well, then… there must be something wrong with you. The Little Mermaid literally had to change everything about herself to get the guy. No wonder we feel stressed and anxious about being in a relationship.

Have you taken time off from being in a relationship to ‘work on yourself’? Doing that is great, but it is not the same as healing your shit. Neither is doing yoga, taking up a musical instrument, reading a pile of self-help books, or adopting a rescue dog. Healing your shit involves doing the work to heal your shit. It is inquisitive, personal and might feel bad before it feels good. But it is profoundly impactful.

Do you find yourself ruminating about how someone else feels about you, what they want in a relationship with you, or why they act the way they do? If so, I have a solution for you: Ask them. If you want a direct answer you have to ask a direct question. Not a ‘beat around the bush about it' question. Not an ‘if I say this, maybe he/she will say that’ question. Not a presumptuous question. Not a leading question. Not a closed ended (yes or no) question. A direct, to the point, open-ended, tell me point blank how you feel question.

How come when someone chooses not to be with us our first thought is always some version of “What's wrong with me?" “What did I do wrong?” or "Why doesn't he (or she) like me?”

Because as women we are socialized to think that our highest and best value comes from being chosen by another person. We think if we can get ourselves to be ‘just right’ then surely someone will love us.

But that supposes that other people get to decide who we are supposed to be in order to make them happy. This never works in the long term.

I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships. We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful. We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a container to operate within. Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label and allow you to just experience the relationship for what it is.

I have been married and divorced. I've done a lot of dating. And one of the themes I notice when I look back on all of that is an exorbitant amount of anxiety related to my relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or situationships. And in the last few years (since I was introduced to coaching), my anxiety about my relationships with other people has diminished tremendously and confidence in and comfort with myself has increased tenfold. I no longer get anxious if I am waiting for a text from someone I am interested in. If I have a question about the status of a relationship, I ask the person rather than conjecturing with nine of my friends. My relationship with my ex is a thousand times better than it ever was. But he didn't change. I changed. And I want this for you!

Do you like to tell your girlfriends about all the people you are talking to or are going on dates with - who they are, what they look like, what they do, how many kids they have, what their ex looks like, and whatever other intel you could dig up on the internet? I used to do that too. Here’s why I (mostly) stopped.

We often want to protect ourselves from ‘getting hurt’ in a relationship and worry about what if things don’t work out. But here's the thing - there's no such thing as protecting ourselves from getting hurt. There's only the experience of being in relationship with other humans (both platonic and romantic). Some days those relationships might be more challenging, and some days those relationships might be more energetic or engaging, but in either case, the only way to prevent getting completely hurt is to not be in relationship with anyone at all. Having emotions along the way (both the comfortable and uncomfortable ones) is all part of the process.

Most people I coach (and know) say, “I hate conflict.” Conflict makes for great movie plot lines, but most of us spend a LOT of time trying to avoid conflict in real life. But… why?!?! 

I'll tell you why: You think it is uncomfortable. And you think it means something bad has happened. Most of us don't want to have conflict with our friends, partners, spouse, coworkers, etc. 

But what if I told you that approach might be making things worse? 

Here's what happens when you avoid conflict: you also avoid connection. 

People pleasing seems like the nice thing to do. But it's not nice - for you, or the person you're trying to please.

Here’s why…

My Rule of 3s goes like this: Give it three dates, three weeks and three months to see how things go with someone before you get overly attached and start planning a future together. Read on for why…!

One of the biggest mistakes I think we make in dating is thinking that everyone you connect with is looking for the same thing you are, especially if the thing you are looking for is a long-term relationship. My solution? Ask the people you are communicating with what is it they are looking for and if it's not what you're looking for you can decide to look elsewhere, no frustration required.

Sometimes we can look to people outside of ourselves for inspiration. But sometimes we look to others as a source of comparison, which may not feel good and, more importantly, Sometimes we can look to people outside of ourselves for inspiration. But sometimes we look to others as a source of comparison, which may not feel good and, more importantly, is probably not helpful. This is what we call 'compare and despair'. If you find your thoughts wandering to what other couples seem to have ask yourself: what is it you want more of in your own relationship, or future relationship? What do you think is missing? And how are you standing in your own way to get it?

Do you get mad when you watch a little bit of a new show or movie and decide you don't like it? Do you get upset when you didn't really love a show but you kept watching it anyway? Do you get mad when your favorite series ends and you spent all that time watching it?! Of course you don't.

Because shows begin and then they end and we don't question the time we invested in them.

The same can be true with relationships.

Read on to learn more.

Did you know you can like someone and care about them and not want to date them? Notice that all of those things can be true. You can have a connection with someone and care about them AND still decide you don't want to be dating them. People might be disappointed when we say we don't choose them anymore. And that is okay, it is all part of the process. Nothing has gone wrong. We are not obligated to keep dating every person we have a 'connection' with. And they are not obligated to keep dating us.

Are you familiar with the paper clip challenge?! It started in 2004 with a guy named Kyle MacDonald who set out to trade one red paper clip for higher value items over and over until he had a house. And he did it in one year and only 14 trades!

And this got me thinking... Dating is a lot like the paper clip challenge.