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Good advice.
What are you afraid to feel?
What emotion do you avoid the most? What emotion is the hardest for you to feel? What emotion is the scariest for you? I have spent the last three years getting really intimate with emotions - mine and other peoples'. And here's the good news - emotions are not something to be afraid of. Usually, they are just our body's way of trying to help us access our inner wisdom. There is always something your emotions are trying to tell you (and it might not actually be what you think!).
Is the mother you have not the mother you wish you had?
I have been coaching a lot on the relationships we have with our mothers lately (my own included) and want to offer you the following: Most of our suffering comes from our thinking that our mothers should be different than they are. All of the things you are thinking about your mom and how she is disappointing you, hard to connect with, too demanding, too detached, not helpful enough with your kids, or how she should have done a ‘better’ job raising you — those are just thoughts. They are not facts. And they are thoughts that make us feel bad as if somehow we were cheated in the maternal lottery. But here's the thing - moms get to ‘mom’ however they see fit.
To get a direct answer, you need to ask a direct question
Do you find yourself ruminating about how someone else feels about you, what they want in a relationship with you, or why they act the way they do? If so, I have a solution for you: Ask them. If you want a direct answer you have to ask a direct question. Not a ‘beat around the bush about it' question. Not an ‘if I say this, maybe he/she will say that’ question. Not a presumptuous question. Not a leading question. Not a closed ended (yes or no) question. A direct, to the point, open-ended, tell me point blank how you feel question.
I quit putting labels on my relationships
I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships. We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful. We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a container to operate within. Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label and allow you to just experience the relationship for what it is.
Let’s talk about feelings
Feelings! You know you've got them. But sometimes you don't want them.
We often make room for our emotions when 'big' things happen, but we want to push them away when smaller things happen. Especially feelings like anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear. But why? Feelings are just your nervous system's way of calling attention to something that's happening in your outer world. Feelings are not inherently good or bad, right or wrong. They just are. And it is important to feel all of them.
Are you willing to make your Plan B your Plan A?
I’ve heard this advice several times recently and wanted to share it with you: You need to have a Plan A and a Plan B.
And, most importantly, you need to be willing to make your Plan B your Plan A.
Read on…
How to reach your goals (Part 3)
In Part 1 we learned to stand in the future and speak about your goals as if they are already done. In Part 2 we learned that you have to believe that you are the person who can create those results. And in this Part 3, we are going to review our goals and make space for them to happen.
Take a look at your list of goals and get out your calendar.
Where are you going to put the things that you want to do?
How to believe in your goals (Part 2)
Step One: You stand in the future and write about what you've accomplished in the past year, in the past tense, as if it is already done. Step Two is this: you have to work on believing you are the person who will accomplish those goals. What does that mean? The one thing that will get you over the finish line is believing you are the person who will do the thing you set out to do. Not only is this an important part of reaching your goals, it’s also the way to change your life!
How to set goals that work (Part 1)
Rather than making a list of things you want to accomplish in the coming year, stand forward a year from now in December of 2023 and look back... What have you done? What do you see? What did your year look like? What are you most proud of? What was important to you?
Write it down. Write it all down, and in the past tense. Write it as if it is done.
By doing this you are standing in the future and deciding ahead of time what you created in the past year. Notice when you bring the energy of 'it is done' how that feels different than making a list of 'resolutions' you'll forget about in the next three weeks.
Does going home feel like a visit to Dysfunction Junction Lane?
Let's get right to it: If spending time with family feels challenging for you, you are not alone. If you feel like you 'have' to be there, but you don't really 'want' to be there, you are not alone.
'Tis the season for comparison and wishing we had something that other people have.
That warm, inviting family where all are welcome, and everyone gets along and enjoys each other's company.
Is that your family? It's not mine.
I do not expect a warm and Hallmark-worthy holiday because that is just not how our family operates, even in a good year.
But in the longing for something I don't have, I have an opportunity...
What else could be true?
With the holidays upon is, we have more obligations, more family time, longer school breaks, and more opportunities for people to be frustrated. We also have more opportunities to feel slighted if other people aren't acting according to the 'manual' of how we think they should.
If you find yourself stuck thinking about someone else's behavior and what you're making it mean to you, here is a simple exercise you can try:
Ask yourself, "what else could be true?"
We all make up stories in our head about what we think someone else's behavior means. But...there's a good chance we might be wrong about that, or at least what they meant it to mean.
On a funeral, napping, and people pleasing
What do my uncle's funeral and a podcast about resting have in common? We need to let go of the need to people please in order to have everyone cry at your funeral when you die. Women are socialized to believe our value is in serving others. That we should always be busy, that we are never allowed to rest. There is another way. You do not have to earn your rest. You are allowed to say no to projects and people that aren't aligned with the kind of life you want to create for yourself.
You are creating your own results
Take a moment and look around at your life --- notice your relationships, your work, your family --- take a quick stock of what is. Then consider for a moment that you have created all of this with your thoughts. How so? Your thoughts create your feelings which lead you to take actions which create your results. The good news? You can change your thoughts and feelings to change your results!
Your resistance is causing you suffering
Does it seem like if other people would just do things differently, you wouldn’t have to suffer? That if other people would just change, your experience in life would be better?
This is called resistance and it is causing you to suffer. Here’s why and what to do about it.
What is shame and what can you do about it?
What is shame? It is the feeling of distress that stems from believing there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do something and that you are doing it wrong. This is not a helpful emotion. Here’s what to do instead.
An abridged list of things I (think I) am bad at and why I want to share them with you
Do you spend a lot of time thinking about allll the things you are bad at or doing wrong? Here’s my list. And a few things I think I am doing right!