Let’s talk about feelings

Feelings! 

You know you've got them.

But sometimes you don't want them.

Especially not the 'bad' ones like anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear. 

But why? Feelings are just your nervous system's way of calling attention to something that's happening in your outer world.

Feelings are not inherently good or bad, right or wrong. They just are. 

And it is important to feel all of them.

For example, if someone you love was hurt or injured, feeling sad would be a natural human emotion. On the flip side, if something wonderful happened you'd also want to feel joy or happiness. 

Sometimes we make room for our emotions when 'big' things happen, but we want to push them away when smaller things happen - like when your kid is just getting on your last nerve, when your boss asked you to redo the project for the 947th time, or when the guy you are seeing bailed on your plans to hang out. 

How do we make space to have and feel our emotions in those times too? 

Often we 'push through' or 'push them away' and decide that we shouldn't feel what we want to feel. 

But how does that feel? 

Usually not good. 

Here's the thing... emotions are just physical sensations that want to process through your body. If you lean into them and give them space, that usually helps to dissipate the intensity of what you are feeling. 

Another way to approach your feelings is to get curious about them. Ask yourself:

• Why am I feeling mad/sad/scared/anxious right now?

• What is this feeling trying to tell me?

• What is it trying to protect me from?

And then set out to working on the thing that you are scared of or worried about or anxious about. Sometimes that means just sitting with your feelings for a while. Nothing has gone wrong if you do that. And sometimes it means interrupting your feelings cycle by thinking about new ways to solve a problem or find a solution to whatever is on your mind. 

Also notice that what you are calling your feelings are often just thoughts. And we can change our thoughts to create different feelings.  

I noticed recently that when you ask a woman what she thinks she often responds by saying something about feelings such as, "Well, I feel like she should...." or "I feel like my boss is..." or "I feel like he would have done X if he liked me." But those are all just thoughts. And those thoughts make you feel certain things. 

On the other hand, when you ask men how they feel they often respond with thoughts such as, "I think x should be like this..." or "I think it would be hard to do y..." but they haven't really answered the "How do you feel?" question. 

In both cases, we have missed the opportunity to identify the feelings we are actually experiencing. 

So, for all of us: take some time to get intimate with your feelings. Notice what they feel like. See where they come up in your body. Give them time to be there and give you what they need. Ask yourself the questions above before you push them aside. See what you can learn from your feelings. 

If you're feeling stuck, simply start by trying to identify your feelings. You can practice by using a Feelings Wheel like the ones here. (You can also find lots of similar versions online and order stickers, magnets, pillows, mugs and more if you want to practice getting more intimate with your feelings.)

It feels good to feel your feelings. Try it!