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Why asking ‘why do they act that way?’ is not helpful
Ever wondered why someone behaves in a puzzling way and turned to friends or the internet for answers? If so, you’re not alone. Before you get caught in the cycle of seeking explanations, consider this: there might be a more empowering approach. Discover why asking others might not be the best strategy and what you can do instead. Read on to learn more!
Is your life not what you thought it would be?
If you feel like you’re always the one asking questions on dating apps or in person meetups - you might be getting to know someone who isn’t getting to know you. What to do about it? Read on for my approach…
What are you afraid to feel?
What emotion do you avoid the most? What emotion is the hardest for you to feel? What emotion is the scariest for you? I have spent the last three years getting really intimate with emotions - mine and other peoples'. And here's the good news - emotions are not something to be afraid of. Usually, they are just our body's way of trying to help us access our inner wisdom. There is always something your emotions are trying to tell you (and it might not actually be what you think!).
The (other) biggest mistake you’re making in relationships
A big mistake people make in relationships: Expecting people to be different than they actually are. If you ever find yourself thinking, “They should just…” or “Why can't they just…” then that is a clue you might be thinking people should be different than they actually are. I find this applies not only to dating and partner relationships but also (especially) to long-term family and friend relationships.
The biggest mistake you’re making in new relationships
Are you someone who gets very invested in or very attached to new people quickly? I think that is a big mistake. Good relationships take time and shared experience to develop. Don’t rush into finding your next partner or bestie.
Are you working on healing your shit?
Have you taken time off from being in a relationship to ‘work on yourself’? Doing that is great, but it is not the same as healing your shit. Neither is doing yoga, taking up a musical instrument, reading a pile of self-help books, or adopting a rescue dog. Healing your shit involves doing the work to heal your shit. It is inquisitive, personal and might feel bad before it feels good. But it is profoundly impactful.
Do you feel stuck?
Do you feel stuck? Stuck is not a feeling, it is a verb. It is a resistance to taking action that makes you uncomfortable.
I quit putting labels on my relationships
I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships. We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful. We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a container to operate within. Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label and allow you to just experience the relationship for what it is.
How you think about conflict is wrong
Most people I coach (and know) say, “I hate conflict.” Conflict makes for great movie plot lines, but most of us spend a LOT of time trying to avoid conflict in real life. But… why?!?!
I'll tell you why: You think it is uncomfortable. And you think it means something bad has happened. Most of us don't want to have conflict with our friends, partners, spouse, coworkers, etc.
But what if I told you that approach might be making things worse?
Here's what happens when you avoid conflict: you also avoid connection.
People pleasing is a lie
People pleasing seems like the nice thing to do. But it's not nice - for you, or the person you're trying to please.
Here’s why…
Let’s talk about feelings
Feelings! You know you've got them. But sometimes you don't want them.
We often make room for our emotions when 'big' things happen, but we want to push them away when smaller things happen. Especially feelings like anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear. But why? Feelings are just your nervous system's way of calling attention to something that's happening in your outer world. Feelings are not inherently good or bad, right or wrong. They just are. And it is important to feel all of them.
Are you willing to make your Plan B your Plan A?
I’ve heard this advice several times recently and wanted to share it with you: You need to have a Plan A and a Plan B.
And, most importantly, you need to be willing to make your Plan B your Plan A.
Read on…
How to reach your goals (Part 3)
In Part 1 we learned to stand in the future and speak about your goals as if they are already done. In Part 2 we learned that you have to believe that you are the person who can create those results. And in this Part 3, we are going to review our goals and make space for them to happen.
Take a look at your list of goals and get out your calendar.
Where are you going to put the things that you want to do?
How to believe in your goals (Part 2)
Step One: You stand in the future and write about what you've accomplished in the past year, in the past tense, as if it is already done. Step Two is this: you have to work on believing you are the person who will accomplish those goals. What does that mean? The one thing that will get you over the finish line is believing you are the person who will do the thing you set out to do. Not only is this an important part of reaching your goals, it’s also the way to change your life!
How to set goals that work (Part 1)
Rather than making a list of things you want to accomplish in the coming year, stand forward a year from now in December of 2023 and look back... What have you done? What do you see? What did your year look like? What are you most proud of? What was important to you?
Write it down. Write it all down, and in the past tense. Write it as if it is done.
By doing this you are standing in the future and deciding ahead of time what you created in the past year. Notice when you bring the energy of 'it is done' how that feels different than making a list of 'resolutions' you'll forget about in the next three weeks.
Does going home feel like a visit to Dysfunction Junction Lane?
Let's get right to it: If spending time with family feels challenging for you, you are not alone. If you feel like you 'have' to be there, but you don't really 'want' to be there, you are not alone.
'Tis the season for comparison and wishing we had something that other people have.
That warm, inviting family where all are welcome, and everyone gets along and enjoys each other's company.
Is that your family? It's not mine.
I do not expect a warm and Hallmark-worthy holiday because that is just not how our family operates, even in a good year.
But in the longing for something I don't have, I have an opportunity...
What else could be true?
With the holidays upon is, we have more obligations, more family time, longer school breaks, and more opportunities for people to be frustrated. We also have more opportunities to feel slighted if other people aren't acting according to the 'manual' of how we think they should.
If you find yourself stuck thinking about someone else's behavior and what you're making it mean to you, here is a simple exercise you can try:
Ask yourself, "what else could be true?"
We all make up stories in our head about what we think someone else's behavior means. But...there's a good chance we might be wrong about that, or at least what they meant it to mean.
The best advice: Hug and release
My friend who works for a family foundation gave me great advice a few years ago. When she is approached for a donation on behalf of the foundation for a cause that doesn’t match their giving priorities, she said, “I just hug and release.” I love this simple metaphor so much!
What is your vision for your relationship?
I was coaching someone recently who was contemplating the question of whether or not to stay in their marriage and I shared the following exercise that I found helpful with my ex-spouse: When we were knee deep in couples counseling and the therapist was going back and forth between us, I finally interrupted the session and asked my then husband this question: "What is your vision for our marriage?" When he answered, I knew we were not going to the same place.
The Fall hangover (it’s NO-vember)
I'm tired. I don't think you even need to have kids to be feeling the hangover from everything going on right now. It's Fall, y'all!. It's getting darker earlier and getting colder where I live in Nebraska. I'm preparing for my winter hibernation. There are so many things that could leave us feeling down or just worn out. So... what am I going to do about it? A lot of nothing. And I encourage you to a lot of nothing, too.