Why asking ‘why do they act that way?’ is not helpful
Have you ever asked a friend (or people on the internet) why someone did something that you just don't understand?
It might sound something like:
We were having great conversation back and forth and then we went out this weekend and then the conversation fell off and I don't know what happened… what do you think that means? What did I do wrong?
Every time we go to my mother-in-law's she always acts like I'm not there… why do you think she is like this?
The person I am seeing always only wants to text and only at noon and 4 p.m. and never wants to talk on the phone and can only get together one night a week… why does he act like this?
Okay, so the last one is a bit of a stretch (although I have seen lots and lots of posts that are a lot like that), but you get the idea… we are constantly asking other people why someone else acts the way they do.
I personally think that is a complete waste of time and energy.
Here's why:
First, it is all only absolute and complete conjecture. The other people may not even know the person you are talking about, and they are only responding based on their own beliefs about their own experiences. And those have nothing to do with you or the person you are in relationship with.
Second, it's just not helpful to hypothesize why someone behaves the way they do. When we do that, we are looking for meaning in their behavior, when the other person may not even have their own understanding of why they do what they do. We think that if we knew why, we could make sense of their actions. But sometimes there is no sense to be made, other than that this person simply isn't a good fit to be in relationship with you.
Third, we're giving up the power to decide if this is the kind of behavior/relationship we want to be a part of to begin with. Most of us spend a lot of our life wondering how we should respond to someone else's behavior rather than deciding on purpose who we are and how we want to show up in the world. If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is bad at communication, you just have to decide this is not the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with. You don't need to know why they are that way, you just need to know that what they are offering is not for you. And you don't need to make it about you.
Instead of asking my friends and family members and strangers on the internet why people do that they do, instead I:
Ask the person directly and seek to understand (as much as possible possible), or
Decide that I don't want to participate in a relationship that is so dependent on how the other person shows up.
I don't want to be in relationships with people who are inconsistent, not dependable, and not reciprocal in how we connect with one another. No matter the reason 'why.'
What I do want:
🌿I want women will feel more empowered and connected in their relationships.
🌿I want women to ask for what they want and not wait around for people who aren't giving them what they need.
🌿I want women to spend less time on the people who aren't a good fit in our lives, so we have more time for the people that are.
Need help letting go of wondering 'why' and getting into something more connected and empowered? Let's chat!
👉 Grab a FREE call with me here.
