I quit putting labels on my relationships
I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships.
We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful.
Why?
We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a connection and a container to operate within.
Yes, labels can be helpful in setting boundaries and making agreements - such as if you and your partner decide to be monogamous versus having an ‘open’ relationship. You can use words and labels to define what you both feel is acceptable behavior within the bounds of those agreements and your relationship.
Labels can also be misleading. For example, if you are newly dating someone and are waiting for them to bestow that official “girlfriend” title on you… what would that actually mean anyway? You probably have some unwritten expectation of what being in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should look like. However, without some conversation about what it means to both of you (e.g., we are dating exclusively and not seeing other people) the label is meaningless. Agreements about how you are going to operate in relation to one another would be more useful.
My answer to the question of, “What is this?" is simply: it is what it is. It can be answered by simply describing your relationship with someone. For example, “X is someone I see about twice a week and we hook up about once a week and sometimes we text in between.” No labels required! If you like whatever that is you are doing, keep doing it. If you don't like what it is, you talk to your partner or potential partner about what you would like it to be instead. But labelling it something specific doesn't actually add any value or change what it is.
Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label. For example, if we are ‘lifelong friends' with someone and that friendship draws to a close, a lot of the pain we might experience is coming from the expectation of what a lifelong friendship should be like and that it is supposed to last forever, rather than looking at what the relationship was like recently and drawing on that experience. None of the labels we give to our relationships are an insurance policy against the relationship changing or evolving or one or both people changing their mind about staying in it.
I find this helpful in thinking about my ex-husband. If you haven't followed my story, we divorced about six years ago with a lot of anger and tension between us. Now we get along really well. If someone asked me to describe what ‘we’ are, none of the labels that are available seem to fit just right. We are co-parents, yes. We are also ex-spouses. Are we ‘friends'? Are we something more or less than friends? I don't know. And I don't care. He doesn't feel like a friend to me in the traditional sense of the word. So, I'm letting go of defining it. It just is what it is - two people who care for our son (and now my daughter) who mostly get along and sometimes do stuff together with the kids. Simple.
Stop chasing labels to give meaning to your relationships and just be present and pay attention to whether you're enjoying them or not. Focus not on what you think it should look like, but what it is. This goes for marriage, friendships, dating… everyone!
Onward!
