How you think about conflict is wrong

Who loves a good conflict?!? Anyone?! Bueller…?!

Most people I coach (and know) say, “I hate conflict.”

Conflict makes for great movie plot lines, but most of us spend a LOT of time trying to avoid conflict in real life. 

But……. whhhhhhhhhhhy?!?! 

I'll tell you why: You think it is uncomfortable. And you think it means something bad has happened. Most of us don't want to have conflict with our friends, partners, spouse, coworkers, etc. 

But what if I told you that approach might be making things worse? 

Here's what happens when you avoid conflict: you also avoid connection. 

How so? When you are constantly trying to ‘keep the peace’ you are not creating genuine connections with people. (See my blog about people pleasing.) When my client said he has been avoiding conflict with his wife for 20 years but also says he wants to feel more ‘connected’ to her… we can start to see what the problem is. He was not fully engaging with her. He was acting in a performative manner to try to keep her happy. But that approach does not create real connection. 

Building connection with people means showing up as your true self. It means engaging in the space in between both people's comfort where discomfort lies. It means being open to having disagreements and working through them. This is how we build authentic connections and, in turn, reduce future conflict by feeling more connected to the people we engage with. 

Do you see how that works? 

Conflict is not, by definition, bad. I invite you to rethink how you think about ‘conflict’ and what it really means. Consider it an opportunity for connection instead.