Why are we afraid of getting ‘hurt’?

Today I want to share a text I got from a client recently. It said:

“I will say talking with you is sooo much more helpful than the girlfriends because we have no history in this area, it is more objective.” 

And then she added, “The difference is they want to protect from harm and you want to facilitate growth, learning about self, and so much more…” 

Now while I could point out that is a perfect invitation to talk about the benefits of working with a coach (there are many), I mostly want to call attention to this part: the idea we should be protected from harm. 

In her case, this protecting from harm has to do with dating. She has been talking to a man who formerly dated a woman that is loosely connected to her extended friend group and who she used to be close to about 20 years ago. The friends' collective advice: I wouldn't date him. 

Why? They don't want her to ‘get hurt.' 

What if it doesn't work out? What if the other lady finds out they are dating? What if… what if… WHAT IF…..?!? 

But here's the thing - there's no such thing as protecting ourselves from getting hurt. There's only the experience of being in relationship with other humans (both platonic and romantic). And some days those relationships might be more challenging, and some days those relationships might be more energetic or engaging, but in either case, the only way to prevent getting completely hurt is to not be in relationship with anyone at all. 

Or, 

You can also make different meaning about the things that happen in your relationships.

What does that mean? 

If someone misses dinner with you because they are on a work deadline, for example, you could choose to think they don't love you which might create feelings of hurt, or you could choose to feel empathy at the fact they have to work late which might create feelings of connection instead.

Or, 

If you are dating someone who eventually is unfaithful and acts outside of the bounds of what you have agreed upon as it relates to monogamy or physical intimacy, there is no way you could have been protected from this ‘harm' until it happened. There is no crystal ball that can foresee who among our partners will have issues with addiction, infidelity, job loss, family struggles, etc. 

There is no way to protect ourselves from being hurt other than to engage in relationships with others and then have our own backs when things don't go as we expected.  Having emotions along the way (both the comfortable and uncomfortable ones) is all part of the process.