Is the mother you have not the mother you wish you had?
I have been coaching a lot on the relationships we have with our mothers lately (my own included) and want to offer you the following:
Most of our suffering comes from our thinking that our mothers should be different than they are.
If you have ever had a thought that starts with…
She should…
Every mom…
My mom doesn't…
A good mom would…
Doesn't every mom want to…
Grandmothers should…
She wasn't a good mom growing up…
…then you are not alone.
However, the answer to those statements or questions are: no she shouldn't, every mom doesn't, a good mom wouldn't, every mom doesn't want to, grandmothers aren't required to do anything, and she was the best mom she knew how to be.
Period.
All of the things you are thinking about your mom and how she is disappointing you, hard to connect with, too demanding, too detached, not helpful enough with your kids, or how she should have done a ‘better’ job raising you — those are just thoughts. They are not facts.
And they are thoughts that make us feel bad as if somehow we were cheated in the maternal lottery. We think ALL moms should behave a certain way according to what we see on tv and in movies, and most especially what we see on social media.
But here's the thing - moms get to ‘mom’ however they see fit. And they might not ‘mom’ the way you want them too. In fact, they probably don't.
So you get to decide what you make it mean - do you make it mean she doesn't love you? Or do you make it mean she is doing the best she can with the mental and emotional tools she has available to her?
I have known for a long time that the mom I have is not the one I wish I had. And it's taken me a LONG time to stop fighting with the idea that she should be different than she is. She's not going to change. The only thing I can change is the way I think about her and react to her. That's it. That's the secret formula. This shift changes everything.
After nearly fifty years I am feeling lighter and cleaner than I have ever felt about my mom and my relationship with her. We are still not close but gone are screaming matches, arguments, and begging to be seen and heard and validated. I give myself the love I need and give myself the space I need to engage in that relationship in a way that feels comfortable to me (note: there is a loooooooooooot of space there).
If your relationship with your mother is one that is challenging for you, I would love, love, love to help you with that. It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves (and our children if we have them). Doing this work will impact not only you but the generations that follow.
I've got you.
