What is shame and what can you do about it?

I have been diving in on shame this week - feeling it, learning about it, and asking what to do about it. 

Personally, I feel like I have been making out with shame more than I want or need to lately.

And I have seen it come up in my coaching this week as well. 

I'm so interested in learning more about and dismantling the shame paradigm that I am doing a five-week course on shame.

What is it? 

Shame is the underlying belief that there is a right or wrong way to do something. When you don't act in accordance with what you think is the 'right' way, you cause yourself distress for doing something the 'wrong' way. 

This week I struggled with the shame of not having had my taxes filed. It's almost the end of September! What was wrong with me? I was hiding. My accountant reached out. I gave her my stuff which I had ready since March (more shame! shame! shame!). And guess what? She got it done a day or two later. I posted on Facebook about my shame and guess what?! Lots of people responded that they were late filers too. 

So what about it? 

I created a story in my mind that I should be 'ashamed' of not having it done 'on time' and then periodically reminded myself of this and made myself feel like sh*t for the next five months because of it. (I have lots of examples of this. Do you?

This was not a super productive use of my mental or emotional space, amirite?!

Turns out, it is okay to file your taxes after April. Nothing terrible happened. It was fine.

Notice in your life where there an event that happened (which you might think was good or bad in and of itself). And then notice what you think about having completed or not completed something or how you did or didn't participate in the event or activity. Your thoughts about that are what create shame. 

Shame wants to tell you you are doing it wrong. Shame wants to make you feel bad. But this is not true! And it is not a helpful emotion. 

What is the antidote to shame? Self-compassion. Equal airtime for what you are doing right. Realization that 99% of the time there is no 'right' or 'wrong' - just other people's opinions of how things should go. 

And you can decide how things go for you without shame or judgement. You're doing your best and that is enough. 

If you need help letting go of shame, I'd love to walk with you on that journey. I'm doing it too.