What kind of relationship do you want?

Have you see ‘The Notebook’? As I sit down to write this I am reminded of the scene where Noah is asking Allie, “What do you want? What do you want?” over and over again. (A little longer version here.)

Today I am thinking about one of the biggest mistakes I think we make in dating, and it often happens from the very first meeting, or maybe even before. It is this: Thinking that everyone you connect with is looking for the same thing you are, especially if the thing you are looking for is a long-term relationship. 

I've coached and talked to so many women who when they start to get back out into the dating world are looking for a serious relationship and then get frustrated that some men ‘only want sex’ or only want something casual and wonder why no one wants to be in a long-term relationship anymore. 

My solution? Ask the people you are communicating with what is it they are looking for and then don't shame them or be surprised by their answers. 

What I have found to be the absolute best part of adult dating is that you can want any kind of relationship you want, and there will be other people who want the same thing! Some people want monogamous, exclusive relationships. Some people are polyamorous/ethically non-monogamous. Some people want a companion to go to events with. Some people want a f*ck buddy. Some people want a ‘friend with benefits’, or multiple friends with benefits. Some people want to hang out as much as possible. Some people only want to see someone a couple of times a week. 

All of those options are fine! You just want to make sure you're not mistaking a hookup buddy for someone who wants to start a relationship with you.

I have been messaging someone recently and just last night asked him this exact question: "Generally speaking (not just with me), what is it you are looking for in terms of dating right now? Are you looking for a long-term relationship, hookup buddy, just wanting to date around, something in the middle…?" 

His response was that his sweet spot right now would be a casual friend with benefits. 

Boom. 

Now I have information about what he wants, I don't have to guess about his intentions, and I get to decide if that's what I want too. (Hint: I would suggest deciding what you want or are comfortable with before you ask your potential partners what they want. Then you'll know right away if it's a match.). 

Maybe I want a casual friend with benefits. Maybe I want something with more long-term committed potential. If I want the first one, he might be an option. If I want the second, I may want to look elsewhere for someone to start building that kind of relationship with. 

So… what do you want?! Write it down and get clear about it so you know it when you see it.

And be open to meeting all kinds of people who may or may not want the same thing on your dating journey. 

Go confidently!