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My best advice.
I quit putting labels on my relationships
I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships. We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful. We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a container to operate within. Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label and allow you to just experience the relationship for what it is.
Why I am so passionate about this work
I have been married and divorced. I've done a lot of dating. And one of the themes I notice when I look back on all of that is an exorbitant amount of anxiety related to my relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or situationships. And in the last few years (since I was introduced to coaching), my anxiety about my relationships with other people has diminished tremendously and confidence in and comfort with myself has increased tenfold. I no longer get anxious if I am waiting for a text from someone I am interested in. If I have a question about the status of a relationship, I ask the person rather than conjecturing with nine of my friends. My relationship with my ex is a thousand times better than it ever was. But he didn't change. I changed. And I want this for you!
Why I don’t tell my friends about who I am dating
Do you like to tell your girlfriends about all the people you are talking to or are going on dates with - who they are, what they look like, what they do, how many kids they have, what their ex looks like, and whatever other intel you could dig up on the internet? I used to do that too. Here’s why I (mostly) stopped.
Why are we afraid of getting ‘hurt’?
We often want to protect ourselves from ‘getting hurt’ in a relationship and worry about what if things don’t work out. But here's the thing - there's no such thing as protecting ourselves from getting hurt. There's only the experience of being in relationship with other humans (both platonic and romantic). Some days those relationships might be more challenging, and some days those relationships might be more energetic or engaging, but in either case, the only way to prevent getting completely hurt is to not be in relationship with anyone at all. Having emotions along the way (both the comfortable and uncomfortable ones) is all part of the process.
How you think about conflict is wrong
Most people I coach (and know) say, “I hate conflict.” Conflict makes for great movie plot lines, but most of us spend a LOT of time trying to avoid conflict in real life. But… why?!?!
I'll tell you why: You think it is uncomfortable. And you think it means something bad has happened. Most of us don't want to have conflict with our friends, partners, spouse, coworkers, etc.
But what if I told you that approach might be making things worse?
Here's what happens when you avoid conflict: you also avoid connection.
People pleasing is a lie
People pleasing seems like the nice thing to do. But it's not nice - for you, or the person you're trying to please.
Here’s why…
The Rule of 3s
My Rule of 3s goes like this: Give it three dates, three weeks and three months to see how things go with someone before you get overly attached and start planning a future together. Read on for why…!
What kind of relationship do you want?
One of the biggest mistakes I think we make in dating is thinking that everyone you connect with is looking for the same thing you are, especially if the thing you are looking for is a long-term relationship. My solution? Ask the people you are communicating with what is it they are looking for and if it's not what you're looking for you can decide to look elsewhere, no frustration required.
Who are your #Relationship goals?
Sometimes we can look to people outside of ourselves for inspiration. But sometimes we look to others as a source of comparison, which may not feel good and, more importantly, Sometimes we can look to people outside of ourselves for inspiration. But sometimes we look to others as a source of comparison, which may not feel good and, more importantly, is probably not helpful. This is what we call 'compare and despair'. If you find your thoughts wandering to what other couples seem to have ask yourself: what is it you want more of in your own relationship, or future relationship? What do you think is missing? And how are you standing in your own way to get it?
Dating is like watching Netflix
Do you get mad when you watch a little bit of a new show or movie and decide you don't like it? Do you get upset when you didn't really love a show but you kept watching it anyway? Do you get mad when your favorite series ends and you spent all that time watching it?! Of course you don't.
Because shows begin and then they end and we don't question the time we invested in them.
The same can be true with relationships.
Read on to learn more.
You can like them but also not want to date them
Did you know you can like someone and care about them and not want to date them? Notice that all of those things can be true. You can have a connection with someone and care about them AND still decide you don't want to be dating them. People might be disappointed when we say we don't choose them anymore. And that is okay, it is all part of the process. Nothing has gone wrong. We are not obligated to keep dating every person we have a 'connection' with. And they are not obligated to keep dating us.
Dating is like the paper clip challenge: there’s always a high value trade ahead
Are you familiar with the paper clip challenge?! It started in 2004 with a guy named Kyle MacDonald who set out to trade one red paper clip for higher value items over and over until he had a house. And he did it in one year and only 14 trades!
And this got me thinking... Dating is a lot like the paper clip challenge.
Don’t start at the top of the mountain
Everybody seems to want to start at the top of the mountain! How often do you meet someone and within days or weeks are thinking "He's perfect!" "He's amazing!" "We really hit it off!" "He could be the one!"
The One?!? THE ONE?!?! It’s too soon to tell!
If you’re doing that, you're starting at the top of the mountain. And when you start at the top of the mountain, the only way to go is... down.
Is your relationship (or job) complete?
How do you know when it is the right time to leave a job or a relationship? How do you give yourself permission to breakup, move on, or decide your current circumstance no longer suits you? You just decide.
Most of us are conditioned to believe we have to have a 'good reason' to make such decisions. You don't have to have a good reason to change jobs or change relationships. You can just decide that the one you are in is 'complete.'
The #1 type of person I don’t go out with
You're heard of The One Before the One? Well, I was becoming the One After the One. I learned a lot from that experience. What I have noticed is this: newly single, newly separated (or not even separated yet!) and newly divorced men are not ready to be dating. At least not in a meaningful way that might lead to a relationship. If you want to get out and have fun, go for it! If you want to date for a relationship, you need to be a little more discerning about where you spend your time.
On looking for the ‘perfect’ match
One of the biggest mistakes I think women make is deciding after a couple of dates or a few months of dating that the person they are seeing is 'perfect.' But what happens next is usually heartbreak when this amazing person turns out not to be ‘perfect’ after all. What is the solution? Read on.
‘Ghosting’ is not a problem
Let's talk about 'ghosting'! Presumably everybody's least favorite part of online dating. I see so many posts of women in the different Facebook groups I am in or coaching complaining about being ghosted. I get it. It sucks.
... but does it?
Urban Dictionary describes 'ghosting' as: When a person cuts off all communication with the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. My question is: why is this a problem? Seriously.
Why I don’t go on ‘first dates’ and what I do instead
I no longer think about going on a 'first date.' Why? Because first dates traditionally are filled with a nervous energy and a lot of expectations placed on how they should go and what they mean and what will happen after. After having too many disappointing Saturday night dinners out when I would rather have been home, alone, or doing something, literally anything, else, I rethought how I approached first dates. What I do instead is go on a 'meetup."
Do you know what you are looking for in a partner and relationship?
Are you dating and looking for a partnered relationship? When you meet someone do you think “I’ll know if it’s a fit when I meet them?” If that’s the case, you’re approaching dating wrong. You need to know what you want so you know it when you see it.
Dating apps are NOT actually the worst!
Do you find yourself saying "I hate dating apps!" or "I'm so sick of dating apps!"? If you're feeling exhausted with dating apps, the apps are not the problem. The apps provide a solution. How you're thinking about them is the problem!