‘Ghosting’ is not a problem
BOOOOOooooo.... let's talk about 'ghosting'! Presumably everybody's least favorite part of online dating.
I see so many posts of women in the different Facebook groups I am in or coaching complaining about being ghosted.
I get it. It sucks.
... but does it?
Just for fun I checked Urban Dictionary and here's how they describe 'ghosting': When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.
My question is: why is this a problem?
Seriously.
The usual answers: "It's rude!" "If someone is not interested, they should just say so!" "Why did I invest all of that time just to be ghosted?!" "What a d*ck!" and...... "I'm never dating again!"
But wait!! Stop!
Those are your thoughts about how someone else should behave. They have their own thoughts about how they should behave. Neither is more 'right' or 'wrong' than the other.
Let's take them one by one:
It's rude - Why do you think it's rude? Are there other places in your life that you have conversations with people that eventually fall off? There are in mine. And why do you expect someone who you haven't known very long to adhere to your standards of what communication should look like?
If someone is not interested, they should just say so - Again, this is your manual about how people should operate. But not everyone operates the way we do. And it might be expecting a level of communication that you might get from a partner only this is someone you've just met on a dating app. I would also offer that a lot of people don't have the emotional maturity to say they are not interested. We wish they did, but they don't. And why do we expect people to explain themselves anyway?
Why did I invest all that time just to be ghosted?! - Why did you? How much time was it? How much time have you invested in watching Netflix, Hulu or Disney+? Was that a waste of time? What did you get out of the experience of talking to this person for a couple of weeks or months?
And I'm never dating again - This will only become a self-fulfilling prophecy and it's totally disempowering.
Here's the important part: When you think bad thoughts about these situations, you have bad feelings. Not the other person.
So, to not feel shitty about being ghosted you have to change the way you think about it.
Some of my thoughts that you can borrow:
It's just part of the process
This isn't a big deal
There are more people coming down the pipeline every day
I sometimes fall off of conversations too
I don't need someone to commit to me that I am not in a committed relationship with and
It's just not a problem
What I want for you is to take back your autonomy in dating. When we whine about how other people are acting (or not acting) we take away our own authority in deciding how we want to show up in the process. We become victims. We keep ourselves stuck.
So, next time you are 'ghosted'... don't make it mean anything. Don't spend a lot of time ruminating about it. People fall off. New people come in. This is how it works!!
I am on a mission to change the way women date! If you have issues that you are struggling with, let me know so I can address them in my future emails and blog posts.
