The #1 type of person I don’t go out with

I spent the majority of 2019 going out with guys where I was their first date in 15, 18, 20 years.... They had been married and were just separated or going through a divorce and *I* was the one to 'break them in' to dating.

You're heard of The One Before the One? Well, I was becoming the One After the One.

Gah!

I learned a lot from that experience and in the years following. What I have noticed is this: newly single, newly separated (or not even separated yet!) and newly divorced men are not ready to be dating. At least not in a meaningful way that might lead to a relationship. Even if they say they are. Even if they think they are.

I have experienced and seen and coached so many women who are frustrated when they go out and have chemistry with someone and they may date for a little while but then break up after a few months when the guy realizes he was 'not ready.' My experience has shown me that most people take a while to heal after their divorce or break up. There is a whole process of learning how to date again, how to be on dating apps, how to show up to dates and follow up after. This is just not something I want to do anymore with people who aren't already emotionally available to be in a relationship.

Now, hold on... you're probably wondering if I am saying that people who are newly out of a long-term relationship should not be dating. I am not saying that. Absolutely, date away!

What I am saying is this: I am no longer going to be the one to date them. I am not going 'break' anyone else in.

In my own dating experience, I have talked soooo many men through the emotional ups and downs of their divorces. I have been supportive and understanding and often came from the 'well even if we're not dating we can be friends and support each other' approach. I spent many hours hearing about divorces and teaching men how to get back into the dating world. I invested a lot of time and emotional energy in men who ultimately weren't remotely ready to 'date.' How do I know? They told me. Or I experienced it firsthand.

When we date men who are not ready to be dating, it usually ends up with the woman giving a lot of emotional support and investment, and not ending up with a meaningful relationship at the end.

So how do I find out if a person is far enough out from their recent breakup/separation/divorce?

I ask. Right away.

This is important because you might find that the person you are talking to is not actually divorced or separated. Two men I've communicated with recently are still living with their soon-to-be exes. My friend recently also had a couple of guys reveal that they were, in fact, still married and just wanted someone to talk to because they were unhappy in their marriages.

No, thank you.

I also ask the men I am talking to if they have done much dating since their divorce/separation/ending a long-term relationship. If the answer is no, I pass again.

This is a decision I have made and I am very happy with it. While we need to keep our eyes wide open for potential when we are dating and be open to people we might not have otherwise considered, this is some dating advice I plan to keep following.

If you want to just get out and date and have fun, go out with all the guys (or gals!).

If you want to date for a relationship, you need to be a little more discerning about where you spend your time.