Why I don’t go on ‘first dates’ and what I do instead
What do you like to do on first date?
Get dressed up and go out on the town?
Grab a coffee at a quaint coffee shop?
Something active like hiking or bowling?
Here's what I've been doing for a number of years: I no longer think about going on a 'first date.' Why? Because first dates traditionally are filled with a nervous energy and a lot of expectations placed on how they should go and what they mean and what will happen after. What I do instead is go on a 'meetup." I think of it like going to a work meeting or something with another mom from my kid's school or just out with friends.
After having too many disappointing Saturday night dinners out when I would rather have been home, alone, or doing something, literally anything, else, I rethought how I approached first dates (aka 'meetups').
Here's what I do now:
I usually start with a midweek meetup - maybe a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday happy hour if I can swing it. Happy hours don't last forever, and you can reasonably bow out after an hour or so if it's not clicking. I've had lots and lots and lots of instances where someone really seemed like a great 'fit' when we were messaging and it did not translate in person. I don't want to overcommit myself to a long meetup if I can tell from the beginning it's not going to be a good fit.
Now that I have a baby at home, I've been moving some of my meetups to daytime coffee or late afternoon snacks somewhere. I don't want to pay for a sitter if it's going to be a bust so I'm trying to leverage the time I already have childcare coverage.
My personal preference is meeting and chatting. I know lots of people like doing active dates, and you should do what you prefer. I mostly want to get in front of someone and see how we click just having a conversation as that is really important to me. I don't get super excited about having 'fun' with people I don't know yet, but that's just me. Maybe a second meetup (first date!) would be a preferred activity and something I would then be looking forward to.
Pre-Covid when I used to go out more, I had one or two standard neighborhood bars I would meet people at for a drink. I didn't have to think about where to go, I knew I was comfortable with the atmosphere, and often the waitresses would recognize me and my order. Safe, secure, stable. Easy.
And what do I wear??! Whatever the hell I want! I spend about 0.5 seconds thinking about it. Much like I have one or two spots I like to meet people at, I usually wear the same date outfit: jeans, cute boots and a top or sweater. Exactly what I would wear if I was going out with one of my friends. I don't make it a big deal. I don't stress about it. In fact, I live in Nebraska where it can be really hot or cold. If that's the case, I adjust accordingly. One time I met a guy in my favorite 'I am freaking cold' sweatshirt and one time I had a 'hoodie' date where we both came in our favorite old hoodies to a dive bar. They were both so relaxed and comfortable!
If the midweek meetup goes well, then I start thinking about a date we might mutually be excited about - that would be a First Date in my mind!
And the most important thing is that I go with an open mind. I believe I can connect with anyone, and I do. But I also know there might be interest on one side and not the other. And that is okay!
What do you like to do on first dates?
I think the most important thing you can bring is the thought that you are open to seeing what is possible, without pressure or expectation. Just being present with the person in front of you and then deciding if this is someone you'd want to spend a little more time with again. No pressure, just two people having a chat and hanging out.
Tell me what you think!
