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My best advice.
Are you working on healing your shit?
Have you taken time off from being in a relationship to ‘work on yourself’? Doing that is great, but it is not the same as healing your shit. Neither is doing yoga, taking up a musical instrument, reading a pile of self-help books, or adopting a rescue dog. Healing your shit involves doing the work to heal your shit. It is inquisitive, personal and might feel bad before it feels good. But it is profoundly impactful.
Do you feel stuck?
Do you feel stuck? Stuck is not a feeling, it is a verb. It is a resistance to taking action that makes you uncomfortable.
Is the mother you have not the mother you wish you had?
I have been coaching a lot on the relationships we have with our mothers lately (my own included) and want to offer you the following: Most of our suffering comes from our thinking that our mothers should be different than they are. All of the things you are thinking about your mom and how she is disappointing you, hard to connect with, too demanding, too detached, not helpful enough with your kids, or how she should have done a ‘better’ job raising you — those are just thoughts. They are not facts. And they are thoughts that make us feel bad as if somehow we were cheated in the maternal lottery. But here's the thing - moms get to ‘mom’ however they see fit.
To get a direct answer, you need to ask a direct question
Do you find yourself ruminating about how someone else feels about you, what they want in a relationship with you, or why they act the way they do? If so, I have a solution for you: Ask them. If you want a direct answer you have to ask a direct question. Not a ‘beat around the bush about it' question. Not an ‘if I say this, maybe he/she will say that’ question. Not a presumptuous question. Not a leading question. Not a closed ended (yes or no) question. A direct, to the point, open-ended, tell me point blank how you feel question.
Stop Asking “What is wrong with me?”
How come when someone chooses not to be with us our first thought is always some version of “What's wrong with me?" “What did I do wrong?” or "Why doesn't he (or she) like me?”
Because as women we are socialized to think that our highest and best value comes from being chosen by another person. We think if we can get ourselves to be ‘just right’ then surely someone will love us.
But that supposes that other people get to decide who we are supposed to be in order to make them happy. This never works in the long term.
I quit putting labels on my relationships
I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships. We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful. We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a container to operate within. Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label and allow you to just experience the relationship for what it is.
Why I am so passionate about this work
I have been married and divorced. I've done a lot of dating. And one of the themes I notice when I look back on all of that is an exorbitant amount of anxiety related to my relationships. Or lack of relationships. Or situationships. And in the last few years (since I was introduced to coaching), my anxiety about my relationships with other people has diminished tremendously and confidence in and comfort with myself has increased tenfold. I no longer get anxious if I am waiting for a text from someone I am interested in. If I have a question about the status of a relationship, I ask the person rather than conjecturing with nine of my friends. My relationship with my ex is a thousand times better than it ever was. But he didn't change. I changed. And I want this for you!
Why I don’t tell my friends about who I am dating
Do you like to tell your girlfriends about all the people you are talking to or are going on dates with - who they are, what they look like, what they do, how many kids they have, what their ex looks like, and whatever other intel you could dig up on the internet? I used to do that too. Here’s why I (mostly) stopped.
Why are we afraid of getting ‘hurt’?
We often want to protect ourselves from ‘getting hurt’ in a relationship and worry about what if things don’t work out. But here's the thing - there's no such thing as protecting ourselves from getting hurt. There's only the experience of being in relationship with other humans (both platonic and romantic). Some days those relationships might be more challenging, and some days those relationships might be more energetic or engaging, but in either case, the only way to prevent getting completely hurt is to not be in relationship with anyone at all. Having emotions along the way (both the comfortable and uncomfortable ones) is all part of the process.
How you think about conflict is wrong
Most people I coach (and know) say, “I hate conflict.” Conflict makes for great movie plot lines, but most of us spend a LOT of time trying to avoid conflict in real life. But… why?!?!
I'll tell you why: You think it is uncomfortable. And you think it means something bad has happened. Most of us don't want to have conflict with our friends, partners, spouse, coworkers, etc.
But what if I told you that approach might be making things worse?
Here's what happens when you avoid conflict: you also avoid connection.
People pleasing is a lie
People pleasing seems like the nice thing to do. But it's not nice - for you, or the person you're trying to please.
Here’s why…
The Rule of 3s
My Rule of 3s goes like this: Give it three dates, three weeks and three months to see how things go with someone before you get overly attached and start planning a future together. Read on for why…!
What kind of relationship do you want?
One of the biggest mistakes I think we make in dating is thinking that everyone you connect with is looking for the same thing you are, especially if the thing you are looking for is a long-term relationship. My solution? Ask the people you are communicating with what is it they are looking for and if it's not what you're looking for you can decide to look elsewhere, no frustration required.
Who are your #Relationship goals?
Sometimes we can look to people outside of ourselves for inspiration. But sometimes we look to others as a source of comparison, which may not feel good and, more importantly, Sometimes we can look to people outside of ourselves for inspiration. But sometimes we look to others as a source of comparison, which may not feel good and, more importantly, is probably not helpful. This is what we call 'compare and despair'. If you find your thoughts wandering to what other couples seem to have ask yourself: what is it you want more of in your own relationship, or future relationship? What do you think is missing? And how are you standing in your own way to get it?
Let’s talk about feelings
Feelings! You know you've got them. But sometimes you don't want them.
We often make room for our emotions when 'big' things happen, but we want to push them away when smaller things happen. Especially feelings like anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear. But why? Feelings are just your nervous system's way of calling attention to something that's happening in your outer world. Feelings are not inherently good or bad, right or wrong. They just are. And it is important to feel all of them.
Are you willing to make your Plan B your Plan A?
I’ve heard this advice several times recently and wanted to share it with you: You need to have a Plan A and a Plan B.
And, most importantly, you need to be willing to make your Plan B your Plan A.
Read on…
How to reach your goals (Part 3)
In Part 1 we learned to stand in the future and speak about your goals as if they are already done. In Part 2 we learned that you have to believe that you are the person who can create those results. And in this Part 3, we are going to review our goals and make space for them to happen.
Take a look at your list of goals and get out your calendar.
Where are you going to put the things that you want to do?
How to believe in your goals (Part 2)
Step One: You stand in the future and write about what you've accomplished in the past year, in the past tense, as if it is already done. Step Two is this: you have to work on believing you are the person who will accomplish those goals. What does that mean? The one thing that will get you over the finish line is believing you are the person who will do the thing you set out to do. Not only is this an important part of reaching your goals, it’s also the way to change your life!
How to set goals that work (Part 1)
Rather than making a list of things you want to accomplish in the coming year, stand forward a year from now in December of 2023 and look back... What have you done? What do you see? What did your year look like? What are you most proud of? What was important to you?
Write it down. Write it all down, and in the past tense. Write it as if it is done.
By doing this you are standing in the future and deciding ahead of time what you created in the past year. Notice when you bring the energy of 'it is done' how that feels different than making a list of 'resolutions' you'll forget about in the next three weeks.
Does going home feel like a visit to Dysfunction Junction Lane?
Let's get right to it: If spending time with family feels challenging for you, you are not alone. If you feel like you 'have' to be there, but you don't really 'want' to be there, you are not alone.
'Tis the season for comparison and wishing we had something that other people have.
That warm, inviting family where all are welcome, and everyone gets along and enjoys each other's company.
Is that your family? It's not mine.
I do not expect a warm and Hallmark-worthy holiday because that is just not how our family operates, even in a good year.
But in the longing for something I don't have, I have an opportunity...