Search the blog:
My best advice.
What else could be true?
With the holidays upon is, we have more obligations, more family time, longer school breaks, and more opportunities for people to be frustrated. We also have more opportunities to feel slighted if other people aren't acting according to the 'manual' of how we think they should.
If you find yourself stuck thinking about someone else's behavior and what you're making it mean to you, here is a simple exercise you can try:
Ask yourself, "what else could be true?"
We all make up stories in our head about what we think someone else's behavior means. But...there's a good chance we might be wrong about that, or at least what they meant it to mean.
Dating is like watching Netflix
Do you get mad when you watch a little bit of a new show or movie and decide you don't like it? Do you get upset when you didn't really love a show but you kept watching it anyway? Do you get mad when your favorite series ends and you spent all that time watching it?! Of course you don't.
Because shows begin and then they end and we don't question the time we invested in them.
The same can be true with relationships.
Read on to learn more.
You can like them but also not want to date them
Did you know you can like someone and care about them and not want to date them? Notice that all of those things can be true. You can have a connection with someone and care about them AND still decide you don't want to be dating them. People might be disappointed when we say we don't choose them anymore. And that is okay, it is all part of the process. Nothing has gone wrong. We are not obligated to keep dating every person we have a 'connection' with. And they are not obligated to keep dating us.
Dating is like the paper clip challenge: there’s always a high value trade ahead
Are you familiar with the paper clip challenge?! It started in 2004 with a guy named Kyle MacDonald who set out to trade one red paper clip for higher value items over and over until he had a house. And he did it in one year and only 14 trades!
And this got me thinking... Dating is a lot like the paper clip challenge.
The best advice: Hug and release
My friend who works for a family foundation gave me great advice a few years ago. When she is approached for a donation on behalf of the foundation for a cause that doesn’t match their giving priorities, she said, “I just hug and release.” I love this simple metaphor so much!
What is your vision for your relationship?
I was coaching someone recently who was contemplating the question of whether or not to stay in their marriage and I shared the following exercise that I found helpful with my ex-spouse: When we were knee deep in couples counseling and the therapist was going back and forth between us, I finally interrupted the session and asked my then husband this question: "What is your vision for our marriage?" When he answered, I knew we were not going to the same place.
Don’t start at the top of the mountain
Everybody seems to want to start at the top of the mountain! How often do you meet someone and within days or weeks are thinking "He's perfect!" "He's amazing!" "We really hit it off!" "He could be the one!"
The One?!? THE ONE?!?! It’s too soon to tell!
If you’re doing that, you're starting at the top of the mountain. And when you start at the top of the mountain, the only way to go is... down.
Is your relationship (or job) complete?
How do you know when it is the right time to leave a job or a relationship? How do you give yourself permission to breakup, move on, or decide your current circumstance no longer suits you? You just decide.
Most of us are conditioned to believe we have to have a 'good reason' to make such decisions. You don't have to have a good reason to change jobs or change relationships. You can just decide that the one you are in is 'complete.'
The #1 type of person I don’t go out with
You're heard of The One Before the One? Well, I was becoming the One After the One. I learned a lot from that experience. What I have noticed is this: newly single, newly separated (or not even separated yet!) and newly divorced men are not ready to be dating. At least not in a meaningful way that might lead to a relationship. If you want to get out and have fun, go for it! If you want to date for a relationship, you need to be a little more discerning about where you spend your time.
On a funeral, napping, and people pleasing
What do my uncle's funeral and a podcast about resting have in common? We need to let go of the need to people please in order to have everyone cry at your funeral when you die. Women are socialized to believe our value is in serving others. That we should always be busy, that we are never allowed to rest. There is another way. You do not have to earn your rest. You are allowed to say no to projects and people that aren't aligned with the kind of life you want to create for yourself.
On looking for the ‘perfect’ match
One of the biggest mistakes I think women make is deciding after a couple of dates or a few months of dating that the person they are seeing is 'perfect.' But what happens next is usually heartbreak when this amazing person turns out not to be ‘perfect’ after all. What is the solution? Read on.
How I went from hating my ex to getting along better than ever
Five years ago I was full of rage and divorcing my then husband. Today we get along better than ever - including having family time with our son and my (not his) daughter. What changed?
Hint: Not him.
‘Ghosting’ is not a problem
Let's talk about 'ghosting'! Presumably everybody's least favorite part of online dating. I see so many posts of women in the different Facebook groups I am in or coaching complaining about being ghosted. I get it. It sucks.
... but does it?
Urban Dictionary describes 'ghosting' as: When a person cuts off all communication with the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. My question is: why is this a problem? Seriously.
Why I don’t go on ‘first dates’ and what I do instead
I no longer think about going on a 'first date.' Why? Because first dates traditionally are filled with a nervous energy and a lot of expectations placed on how they should go and what they mean and what will happen after. After having too many disappointing Saturday night dinners out when I would rather have been home, alone, or doing something, literally anything, else, I rethought how I approached first dates. What I do instead is go on a 'meetup."
You are creating your own results
Take a moment and look around at your life --- notice your relationships, your work, your family --- take a quick stock of what is. Then consider for a moment that you have created all of this with your thoughts. How so? Your thoughts create your feelings which lead you to take actions which create your results. The good news? You can change your thoughts and feelings to change your results!
Do you know what you are looking for in a partner and relationship?
Are you dating and looking for a partnered relationship? When you meet someone do you think “I’ll know if it’s a fit when I meet them?” If that’s the case, you’re approaching dating wrong. You need to know what you want so you know it when you see it.
Your resistance is causing you suffering
Does it seem like if other people would just do things differently, you wouldn’t have to suffer? That if other people would just change, your experience in life would be better?
This is called resistance and it is causing you to suffer. Here’s why and what to do about it.
Dating apps are NOT actually the worst!
Do you find yourself saying "I hate dating apps!" or "I'm so sick of dating apps!"? If you're feeling exhausted with dating apps, the apps are not the problem. The apps provide a solution. How you're thinking about them is the problem!
What is shame and what can you do about it?
What is shame? It is the feeling of distress that stems from believing there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do something and that you are doing it wrong. This is not a helpful emotion. Here’s what to do instead.
Why are you in a rush to get into a dating relationship?
Why do women often rush into dating relationships? We don’t do this with friends or work colleagues. Only in dating do we think the connection should be instant or it might not work. I disagree and here’s how I slow things down.