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Good advice.
Why you should try Very Slow Dating
I'm trying something new and want to invite you to try it too. I'm calling it: Very Slow Dating. What is it?! Exactly what the name says. Slowing everything way down. Not rushing in. Not getting overly excited about anyone too quickly. NOT jumping into sex and intimacy (on purpose). This is the approach I have been subtly and not so subtly preaching about for a while. Read on for how I do it…
What does it look like? For me, it has looked this:
Dating doesn’t have to feel ‘weird’
What is it about going on a date or meeting someone new that makes women feel nervous? What makes us question what we're wearing, where we're going, and whether or not the person we're meeting will actually like us?! Why has this become the norm? And what can we do about it? I used to get a little nervous about going on dates too. But then I realized a few things that changed my outlook altogether.
On sex, pleasure and intimacy
Women have been taught conflicting things about sex. We were warned about the dangers of having sex, but also told it’s our job to attract men who want to have it with us. Women are also taught that our desire is only responsive to a man’s. And only by being desired by someone else should women feel sexual arousal of our own. Seeing your body only in service to someone else means many women don’t even know what they like or enjoy. We think we need to find the right partner to take us to the magical place of orgasm, not recognizing we can create the thoughts and feelings of sexual pleasure on our own.
The biggest difference between men and women dating
Here's what I think is the biggest difference between men and women who are dating: Generally speaking, most men are dating for dating. Most women are dating for a relationship. Lots of men who want to ‘get back out there’ and date after divorce or after a long-term relationship ends. This results in a series of short-term relationships and a lot of ‘dating.' Women, on the other hand, are typically dating for a ‘relationship.’ Most women are going on dates and sizing up what kind of long-term potential each person might have. Most women aren't dating just to be ‘dating.’
Are you in a relationship with someone you’re not ‘IN’ a relationship with?
Are you in a 'relationship' with someone you're not IN a relationship with? Are you texting someone regularly about kids and plans and exes, your day, their day, what you're both reading, watching or listening to, sending each other funny memes and articles you think they might be interested in… but you're not actually IN a relationship with this person? If so, why?
When a long-term friendship ends
One thing that I think doesn't get talked about enough is how women's long-term friendships can change in midlife. Broadly speaking, I think women have an idea if we have been friends with someone for 10, 20, 30, 40 years we will always be friends with them, and in the same capacity as we were before. But for so many women that just isn't the case. We might have to grieve the loss of the relationship we thought we would have with someone but also acknowledge the relationship that we do have with them, now.
What does it mean to be ‘selfish’?
What does it mean to be ‘selfish’? And why do you have to decide between being unselfish or allowing yourself to be ‘selfish’ once in a while? I would offer that maybe you don’t have to think about it in those terms. If you got rid of the word ‘selfish’ what would you put in its place instead?
Men only want ONE thing…
Raise your hand if you've ever thought, said out loud, or heard someone say, “Men only want SEX!” I see this sentiment shared online so often and it had me wondering… so what? So what if some men are only out there looking for sex? When you get upset that someone you had sex with no longer wants to date you, you completely give up your power as a woman. As Empowered Women, we don't participate in activities with other people and then get mad at them that we participated in those activities.
What are you afraid to feel?
What emotion do you avoid the most? What emotion is the hardest for you to feel? What emotion is the scariest for you? I have spent the last three years getting really intimate with emotions - mine and other peoples'. And here's the good news - emotions are not something to be afraid of. Usually, they are just our body's way of trying to help us access our inner wisdom. There is always something your emotions are trying to tell you (and it might not actually be what you think!).
I reject your rejection!
If someone ‘rejects’ us, we don't have to make it mean something about us. Often the worst part of ‘rejection’ is feeling like there is something inherently wrong with us if the other person didn't choose us for some reason. These thoughts are what fuel our hurt feelings when we think we've been rejected. You can borrow this line: I reject your rejection (of me)!
Dating apps are not the problem
I hear so many people say, “I hate dating apps!” “Dating apps suck!” “All the men/women/people on dating apps suck!" I've mumbled the same thing to myself a few times over the years. Never in the history of ever has it been easier to connect with people who are looking for love (or sex, or love + sex). Dating apps are just one way to do that. Dating apps are NOT the problem. Your thinking about using them IS.
The (other) biggest mistake you’re making in relationships
A big mistake people make in relationships: Expecting people to be different than they actually are. If you ever find yourself thinking, “They should just…” or “Why can't they just…” then that is a clue you might be thinking people should be different than they actually are. I find this applies not only to dating and partner relationships but also (especially) to long-term family and friend relationships.
The biggest mistake you’re making in new relationships
Are you someone who gets very invested in or very attached to new people quickly? I think that is a big mistake. Good relationships take time and shared experience to develop. Don’t rush into finding your next partner or bestie.
What the Little Mermaid teaches us about relationship anxiety
If you are a woman who feels anxious in dating, it's no wonder. You have been socialized for twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years to believe that your purpose in life should be to find a man to pick you. And if a man doesn't pick you, well, then… there must be something wrong with you. The Little Mermaid literally had to change everything about herself to get the guy. No wonder we feel stressed and anxious about being in a relationship.
Are you working on healing your shit?
Have you taken time off from being in a relationship to ‘work on yourself’? Doing that is great, but it is not the same as healing your shit. Neither is doing yoga, taking up a musical instrument, reading a pile of self-help books, or adopting a rescue dog. Healing your shit involves doing the work to heal your shit. It is inquisitive, personal and might feel bad before it feels good. But it is profoundly impactful.
Do you feel stuck?
Do you feel stuck? Stuck is not a feeling, it is a verb. It is a resistance to taking action that makes you uncomfortable.
Is the mother you have not the mother you wish you had?
I have been coaching a lot on the relationships we have with our mothers lately (my own included) and want to offer you the following: Most of our suffering comes from our thinking that our mothers should be different than they are. All of the things you are thinking about your mom and how she is disappointing you, hard to connect with, too demanding, too detached, not helpful enough with your kids, or how she should have done a ‘better’ job raising you — those are just thoughts. They are not facts. And they are thoughts that make us feel bad as if somehow we were cheated in the maternal lottery. But here's the thing - moms get to ‘mom’ however they see fit.
To get a direct answer, you need to ask a direct question
Do you find yourself ruminating about how someone else feels about you, what they want in a relationship with you, or why they act the way they do? If so, I have a solution for you: Ask them. If you want a direct answer you have to ask a direct question. Not a ‘beat around the bush about it' question. Not an ‘if I say this, maybe he/she will say that’ question. Not a presumptuous question. Not a leading question. Not a closed ended (yes or no) question. A direct, to the point, open-ended, tell me point blank how you feel question.
Stop Asking “What is wrong with me?”
How come when someone chooses not to be with us our first thought is always some version of “What's wrong with me?" “What did I do wrong?” or "Why doesn't he (or she) like me?”
Because as women we are socialized to think that our highest and best value comes from being chosen by another person. We think if we can get ourselves to be ‘just right’ then surely someone will love us.
But that supposes that other people get to decide who we are supposed to be in order to make them happy. This never works in the long term.
I quit putting labels on my relationships
I have decided to let go of labeling my relationships. We often ask ourselves, “What is this?" or “What are we?” when talking about romantic partners (and even our relationships with our family members sometimes) but I don't find those questions to be that useful. We think that if we have a label on our relationship with someone (he or she is my partner, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend with benefits, etc.) that it is supposed to mean something about the state of our relationship with that person. It gives us a container to operate within. Letting go of labels will help you let go of the expectation you have that comes along with the label and allow you to just experience the relationship for what it is.