When a long-term friendship ends

One thing that I think doesn't get talked about enough is how women's long-term friendships can change in midlife. I have seen this in my own life and in my coaching. 

Broadly speaking, I think women have an idea if we have been friends with someone for 10, 20, 30, 40 years we will always be friends with them, and in the same capacity as we were before. But for so many women that just isn't the case. What brought you together growing up, or in college, for example, may not be what keeps you together now. Things change, life circumstances change, people change. 

When our friendships start to feel distant, we tend to think “But we were in each other's wedding!” or “She's been my friend since I was three!” as if that somehow means you should still be friends at 35, 45, 55. 

My suggestion: Look at the last year or two of your friendship. What has that friendship been like? How has this person shown up in your life recently (not ten or 20 years ago)? That is the friendship you have now. 

And it might be different from the one you had in the past. A lot different. 

We might have to grieve the loss of the relationship we thought we would have with someone but also acknowledge the relationship that we do have with them, now. We have to let go of the idea that longevity from the past equals commitment to a relationship of the same depth and breadth in the future.

I have outgrown friends I have known for 25+ years. It feels weird sometimes. And hard. And sad. Sometimes there is no official friendship ‘breakup’… just a slow unwinding, a lack of communication, cracks that show up in how you're connecting. But there is also the realization that our friendship isn't what it used to be. That we're not as aligned now as we once were. 

In the space where one friendship sunsets, we can make room for new friendships with people who are better aligned with who we are today, not who we were so many years ago.  

Does this resonate for you?

If you need help working through how your relationships are changing or processing the grief of friendships that are waning, schedule a call with me. I would love to help you with that. I am here for you!