What does it mean to be ‘selfish’?

Recently in my small group coaching a woman shared that she thought she was hitting a ‘roadblock’ in her relationship. She said she loves spending time with her partner but then often doesn't want him to spend the night so she felt like maybe this was a hiccup in their relationship that needed some exploring. That maybe her disinterest in having him spend the night meant there was a problem. 

"Why don't you want him to stay over?" I asked.

She said she just wanted to her space, to be rested for work the next day, etc. 

And then she offered she was working on believing it was ‘okay’ for her to be selfish sometimes. 

Which is fine. This is a big step for most women - allowing ourselves to do what we want just because they want to. Allowing ourselves to be ‘selfish’ from time to time. 

But then we explored her thinking that her options are either that she has to either be unselfish OR she has to give herself permission to be selfish once in a while. 

"What do you want to feel in your relationship?" I asked.

She said physically and emotionally connected.

"Do you feel physically and emotionally connected before he goes home?"

“Absolutely!”

"So why is it a problem if he goes home rather than staying over?"

“Maybe it's not.... I tell myself it's okay to be selfish sometimes.”

"What if we didn't have the word 'selfish' - then what would this be?" I said.

The answer: A preference. Not an indictment on the state of the relationship. The way she prefers to date right now. A way of dating that might not be what everyone else thinks is how dating should be but is what works for her right now.

Hmmm! 

“What does your partner think about going home rather than staying over?”

Her answer: “He has no complaints. He's okay with it too.” 

"So it's like... not actually a problem?!"  

She laughed, recognition finally settling in. 

"Maybe the only issue is the expectation other people have that you should be having overnights if you've been dating someone a certain amount of time. But if this works for you and your partner, then perhaps it's not an issue at all? Maybe this is not 'selfish'... maybe it's just you dating the way it works for you?!"

Selfish means “having or showing concern only for yourself and not for the needs or feelings of other people.” She was not being selfish in their relationship, nor in her desire for solo overnights. 

What might change in your life if you stopped judging your actions as being selfish or unselfish? How might you show up differently in your life and relationships? 

This is called empowered dating. I’d love to help you feel empowered in your relationships, too!