Master the first 45-90 days of dating for better relationships
Have you ever wondered how to navigate the early stages of dating without feeling overwhelmed and getting too anxiously attached too quickly? Whether you’re dating post-divorce or diving back into the dating pool, the first 45-90 days are simply for data gathering.
Here’s how to approach potential new relationships with confidence and intention.
What Not to Do
Let’s start with what you should avoid in the early days of dating:
Acting like you’re in a long-term relationship with someone you just met.
Texting all day, every day, or spending hours on the phone.
Seeing each other multiple times per week or on back-to-back days.
Engaging in physical intimacy as a substitute for emotional connection.
Placing someone on a pedestal as “perfect” or “everything you’ve been looking for.”
Talking about the future before you’ve built a solid foundation.
Taking it personally if the other person decides the relationship isn’t a good fit.
Remember, you’ve just met this person! Take a step back and allow time for the relationship to unfold naturally. Remind yourself that it takes time to get to know people. You want to give the other person time to show you who they really are.
The Purpose of the First 45-90 Days
These early days are for gathering information. Think of it as a fact-finding mission:
Pay attention to how they show up.
Learn about their values, habits, and lifestyle.
Determine if they align with what you’re looking for.
Gradually ease into a potential relationship.
What You Should Do Instead
Here’s how to set yourself up for success in the early stages of dating:
Limit Your Time Together:
See each other once or twice a week. That’s it! There’s no need to make a stranger the center of your universe.Delay Physical Intimacy:
Wait 6-12 weeks before becoming physically intimate. While sex can be fulfilling, it’s important to ensure both emotional and physical intimacy align. Remember: Sex is just sex, until it is not.Opt for Short, Low-Stakes Dates:
Start with coffee, happy hours, or a walk. These shorter meetups help you gauge compatibility without overcommitting. They also give you an easy exit strategy if you are finding this person is not a great match.Ask the Hard Questions:
Decidedly the most important, this is the one most people skip. Don’t shy away from discussing values, politics, finances, and other dealbreakers early on. It’s better to know sooner rather than later if someone isn’t a match.
Why This Approach Works
Rushing into a relationship can lead to a false sense of connection and security. While it can feel good in the moment, it can leave you feeling unnecessarily devasted if the relationship doesn't work out, and longing for a potential future that was never going to be. Slowing down allows you to build genuine trust and intimacy while protecting yourself from unnecessary heartbreak.
The Result
By taking this approach, I have drastically decreased my own feelings of anxious attachment and increased my discernment in who I actually want to spend my time with. Save the physical connection for when you’ve had a chance to ensure they’re truly worth your time.
Take your time, slow down, and embrace the journey. The first 45-90 days of dating aren’t about rushing into a relationship—they’re about discovery, growth, and building a solid foundation. Along the way, you’ll learn more about yourself and what you truly need in a partner.
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If you are feeling anxious about dating, let’s work together to create a personalized plan that helps you feel confident and connected in your dating life. Schedule your free discovery call today!
See how better dating leads to better relationships!
