Why crowdsourcing your dating choices is a bad idea (and what to do instead)
Have you ever seen posts in Facebook groups asking, “Would you date someone who is… [insert reason]?”
Maybe it’s someone over 50 raising grandkids, a single mom with three kids, or someone who still lives with a roommate or whose house is a mess. While I understand the impulse to compare notes, relying on the crowd to decide your dating preferences might be doing you more harm than good. Another way to phrase this is, “Would it bother you if…?”
Why Crowdsourcing Doesn’t Work
While I understand the modern desire to crowdsource for “what's normal," I do not find these questions particularly helpful (or relevant) at all. What someone else wants or tolerates in a partner may not be what you want or would tolerate. No matter how many people chime in with “Yes, I’d date them!” or “No, run away!” their opinions don’t necessarily reflect your values, interests, or dealbreakers.
I sense that people ask these questions because they want permission to say, "I don't like this" but they seem afraid to do so. Instead, they ask others if they are being rude or selfish or if they are somehow in the wrong. But you are not in the wrong for wanting what you want! It’s okay to make that decision on your own—without validation or permission from strangers.
You Get to Have Preferences
One of the best parts of dating, especially as you get older or have more life experience, is confidently saying, “This is not for me!” If a certain lifestyle, behavior, or circumstance doesn’t fit with your vision of a healthy relationship, you don’t have to justify it. You’re allowed to have boundaries without explanation.
Practical Tips for Trusting Your Own Choices
Decide in Advance
Think about the situations or traits that feel like a clear “no” to you—whether that’s young kids, 420-friendly habits, or someone who lives too far away. If you know it’s not for you, don’t force it!Get Your Reps In
Sometimes, saying “maybe” can also be valuable. You learn more about yourself and what you truly want by experiencing different personalities and lifestyles. Going on dates with people who don’t quite match your preferences can confirm what does and doesn’t work for you and can help you home in on the people who are more aligned with you in the long run.
Ultimately, you’re the only one who knows what you’re willing to handle and what makes you happy. Instead of crowdsourcing permission, give it to yourself. Embrace your choices fully so you attract people who genuinely align with your needs and values, rather than spending time on those who don’t.
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Are you ready to create more genuine connections on your own terms? Let’s chat! Schedule your free call with me today, and let’s map out a dating approach that feels right for you!
