Reframing rejection
I was talking to my client yesterday and she was bemoaning about how awkward dating is. Here's what was happening: She was connected with a guy by a matchmaker but had been the first to reach out and nudge the guy she was matched with to get together. This is not a red flag, but interesting to note, as men are stereotypically the ones to initiate plans.
They went to dinner, talked for three hours, and she thought they had a great connection. He said was interested in seeing her again.
And then… nothing. No texts, no calls, no follow up plans.
Silence.
Tumbleweed.
So, she gave it a few days and checked in with a friendly, “Happy Friday… How's your week going?!” type of message. You know the one. He responded and engaged in the conversation, and they were off and running again. But notably, this was her second time initiating the connection with this man.
They ended up making plans to go out again. They went to dinner, then a movie, then talked on the phone for an hour when she got home. Again, she felt like they had a great connection.
And again…. nothing. She didn't hear from him.
Has this happened to you?! I think it has happened to all of us.
She was feeling really disappointed and rejected because she thought they had a great connection.
A couple days had passed by the time we were talking. She was asking me what she should do. Text? Call? Do nothing and wait to see if she hears from him?
I pointed out that there were two questions she was trying to answer regardless of what action she decided to take:
Is he interested in me? and
Is he able to show up and communicate in a way that I would be interested in him?
Texting him or calling him or inviting him out wouldn't actually answer the first question. Even if they go out again, she still wouldn't really have the answer to the question of whether he was interested in her. He might not be interested in pursuing a relationship with her but might like to go out with her occasionally because he enjoyed her company. Or he might be really interested in her and not very communicative in between seeing her. We just don't know.
She was hesitant to ask him directly for fear of being ‘rejected.’ (That is a whole topic I have covered previously and will continue to talk about until the day I die.)
“Hold on,” I said. “Even if he was 100% interested in you, but he doesn't like to text or talk on the phone in between hangouts… is he the kind of person you would be interested in dating?"
Realization dawning, she replied, “Well, no.”
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
She was playing small for fear of being ‘rejected’ but if she was really honest about what she was looking for this wasn't the kind of relationship she would want to pursue even if he was interested in her.
I have so much more to say on rejection, scarcity thinking, and being empowered in how you show up in support of yourself when you're dating.
If you'd like to stop feeling reactive to how men act in dating and instead want to date with purpose while having your own back, I would love to help you!
